The D Word…

DIVORCE

Today, people often think that around 50% of couples divorce, but that is actually a false statistic. The truth is that just 24% of marriages end in divorce. This is still not good, but it is way lower of a rate than 50%. We all think it is 50% because of this article that was released a few years back who tried to determine what the rate would be today, he said it would be 50% and people have been thinking it rose that much for a while.

What actually happened is that, divorce rates spiked around 1970-1980.The reason for that, was because laws were changing all over, starting in California, to make divorce easier. So, lots of people got out when they couldn’t do so before. When that calmed down though, the rates fell over the years back down to where it is now, at 24%.

Why do people get divorced? You know, there are so many reasons. The only four that I really agree with are if any of the four A’s are involved…

Alcohol
Abandonment
Abuse
Addiction

I do not agree with those who, “fell out of love” and think that they can 100% work it out. It takes a lot of work, but think of all the beautiful things that can happen as couples work hard and fight to be with each other, rather than fight to get away. Of course, there are the cases of the four A’s, and I would say those are very valid reasons for divorce, if you are in a bad situation and every one is in danger, get out. However, in this post I want to focus on the negative aspects of divorce.

Divorce is sticky and messy, especially when kids are involved. There will be custody battles and 1/3 of the husbands will eventually give up in the joint custody battle because it is so much harder for them to end up with kid time. Usually mom gets the kids and dad gets maybe one night during the week and 1/2 of their weekends. Judges are more likely to be in favor of the mom as moms are supposed to be more nurturing and dads are always gone at work. Think about this though, Mom is now a single mom AND she has all the kids with her. She has to go to work and she will be paid less than what the dad would be so she will have to work longer hours. It is more expensive for the wife/mom after a divorce with kids by far for lots of reasons. Kids usually end up in childcare facilities or under the care of a relative.

The statistics show that, 60% of kids will end up living without biological parents. After divorce when the kids are between 12-15 yrs old, the dad is on average, living 400miles away from the kids. This is because mom takes the kids and moves away from him, or dad needed a better job to pay for the kids and he was in all reality forced to move further away.

The weird thing, is that 70% of Americans, 2yrs after the divorce, believe that they could have and should have saved the marriage. Staying married through hard times creates 5times the marital satisfaction and they didn’t get that. They ran from their problems, in some cases they should have run for safety issues, but in some cases where people “fell out of love” or they see marital satisfaction drop after the first kid, that can happen. Or when they retire they don’t know each other anymore because their lives were about the kids and work and now they are living with a stranger. Find ways to work on your marriage, look for a therapist. There are great benefits to working it out for you and your kids. It just takes effort and TIME. However, your marriage will be stronger than ever before. That is my belief and knowledge from research and statistics.

I believe in marriage and the commitment you make each other. We do not just leave when it gets hard, we are there eternally bound to our spouse and kids. There is nothing more important for you to fight for and use all your energy on than your family and your marriage.

Family Feuds

Have you ever fought with your kids? Well, you are not the first ones to say yes! If you don’t fight with your kids, or disagree with them, then you may want to rethink how you are parenting, as you may be giving them too many freedoms or letting them decide everything. To all the parents who get into disagreements with their kids, it happens and you are not alone. Obviously I don’t have kids, but I hope to one day and I have for sure been a kid.

In my Family Relations class at BYU-Idaho, I learned this week about problem handling. Some things that we learned were to:

Let your kids have natural consequences, especially if the problem is something that will effect them negatively verses you. We use natural consequences because otherwise the punishment will seem unjust or unfair and create more animosity between you and them. Of course, you should talk to your kids about the punishments later and share why they happened. There are three exceptions to letting them naturally receive the consequences of their actions, which include if the natural consequence would be too dangerous, or if the natural punishment is too far into the future, or if it would hurt others.
Always provide encouragement and focus on their accomplishments

Not all problems are going to effect your kids but will effect you. If it is the parents issue then there are certain steps or ways to go about talking to your kids as well.

Use polite requests at first. When your kids do something that bugs you or gets in your way or is frustrating to you.. then ask them politely first if they can take care of it. That will show your kids respect for what they can do without being commanded etc.
Use “I Feel” statements with your kids. If you don’t know what that is, then I suggest looking it up. They are great. A small synopsis of an “I Feel” statment is that it replaces blame and helps you to articulate how you feel to another person. For example you could use this fill in the blank: “When…(situation/event) happens, I feel….(emotion), because…(thoughts), I would like…(hope/desire). This teaches your kids communication and to react to their own problems politely. This will help them to not become reactive to issues and it will help teach compassion or how their problem is effecting other people.
If the first two methods are not working, then use firmer tones as you share another “I Feel” statment. When I hear a firmer tone from my parents, I better listen or my butt is theirs! Kidding, kind of. It just lights a little fire under me and I make sure to get it done, most of the time.
THEN if all else fails, switch to logical consequences. Logical consequences are different from Natural. Logical ones are when parents structure the consequences with their kids to help teach the natural consequences. A good example of this is when they leave their bike outside through the night, you would put it away where they cannot use it then because logically that makes sense. The bike could have been stolen or broken staying out all night. Along with natural consequences, they need to be discussed beforehand in firm but friendly tones and the first violation means you follow through the first time they disobey and don’t do what you asked them to. That means the punishment needs to logical and also something you will follow through on. You then give them another chance to show you that they can do what is right. Involve them in discussion about their actions and what followed every time, a discussion however is not a, “I am the parent, I can do whatever I want!” thing. That is not okay. We want to communicate and help our kids learn the best way we can.

All of these points are great, they are from our readings and videos this week from a man named Popkins. The points will work best as you work with your souse on each of them and make sure you are on the same page. Good luck, I hope that this helps out some people in how to work with their kids on problems. Go try it out for yourselves! Leave a comment telling me how it went!

Do you love your Dad?

When I was about 6 or 7 years old, my dad was on his way out the door for work. I was in the bathroom brushing my hair before school and he had to pass by the door as he walked down the hallway to leave. He poked his head in, looked down and said, “Goodbye Red!” so I looked up, and said “Goodbye Grey!!” real quick. My mom overheard from her bedroom and busted up laughing! Since then, those have been our nicknames for each other. As you can tell in the picture above, I am a redhead and he now has more white hair, but its been grey since his 20’s. I just love my dad too pieces. He is a great example to me in every way! I have been seriously blessed. I know that not everyone gets so lucky, and I am just heartbroken by that because I hope everyone can know just how great dads are and can be.

I feel like fathers roles in parenting and at home can be totally overlooked. I know that fathers seem optional in todays world. Did you know that, according to some research we saw in my family relations class here at BYU-Idaho, girls tend to be more promiscuous around the age of 13 and up without fathers, kids turn out to be more delinquent without fathers, much less kids are likely to finish school or to be employed and will most likely need public assistance in their future when they grow up without a dad. How sad is that!? Fathers play a significant role in parenting.

I want to make this point by sharing some things my dad has taught me. I am not saying my mom didn’t or couldn’t teach me these things, they just happened to be some things I learned from him and I am so blessed to have him.

I learned about hard work and endurance. My dad has suffered his whole life from pain in his feet, ankles and I am sure legs sometimes. He was born with clubbed feet, he had surgery at a young age to help correct his feet, but his ankles have very low mobility and his feet are formed differently, so they are painful and get very sore very easy. He does not complain to coworkers, friends, or us.. yet I know when he works long days or is in the garden/yard working for 6/7hours that he suffers. He is not able to go do all the things he wishes he could, but I still see him enjoying life to the fullest and making the most of what he can do. I know that he wants to work hard and he doesn’t let his pain stop him. Some days it is so bad he can’t really sleep well and yet he works day in and day out, organizing the garage, hiking with young boys from church, etc. We belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints and we do something called Trek. It is a few days of walked in dirt, sand and dust. We hike up and down hills, pushing and pulling handcarts full of all our stuff. We go every few years so the youth have a chance to go at least once and parents can volunteer to go and help out in a variety of ways. My parents just went last week and I know my dad walked it, even with his feet pain. It is in memory of pioneers who trekked in snow, through rivers, on rocks, with no shoes just to find safety for their families and for religious freedom. My dad could have said he was not physically able to go, yet he did. Both of my parents did, and I admire them for that!

Another lesson I learned from my dad, is that we serve others. My mom also is a great example of this, but I wanted to share a few ways my dad has taught me this. He has accepting some callings from our church, which is a service based work and can be very time consuming and provide lots of responsibility and work. My dad has accepted callings that are just that, time consuming, time consuming and full of responsibilities. He has been, what you would call a preacher, he has been a bishop for about 6-7years, non paid and he oversaw every one of the member in our congregation. He was gone on Sundays till about dinner time, when he had woken up early to leave while we still slept. He would be gone for work during the week everyday, and after work he would come home, change into a suit and tie, then head off for interviews with church members and do other things to help others and serve others in our congregation. He got many late night calls for help and would provide blessings for those in need. He and my mom had given a place for people to live(with us) when they needed it. Then he was released and called into a presidency that oversees multiple congregations in the area. This is called a Stake Presidency. He was called as the first counselor and now, he is gone about the same amount, maybe a little more and work with people all over the Snohomish Washington county. It is never convenient, but those callings are not paid, they are completely service oriented and he does it to serve, love and help those who need it and in all they ways he can.

I also learned what a dad should be for a family. My dad is the main provider in my house because he has a great job and worked very hard for that job. He loves all of us so much, and he protects and presides in our home in a special way. As a priesthood holder, which is something that men receive to have proper authority from Heavenly Father for callings, presiding, protecting, and blessing many lives and specifically their families lives. My dad has remained worthy to have the priesthood be something he can exercise when I have been sick or in need to bless and help me. There were a couple weeks where I was sick with strep throat and I was very out of it. I was sleeping at weird times, I couldn’t eat much, I was confused and just feverish, hurting and not happy. I asked my dad to give me a blessing and he was able to do that, it was so special and I woke the next day feeing so much better. I know that because my dad is a priesthood holder and because of his faith and mine, I could be healed from his blessing. He utilized the power of the priesthood, power from Heavenly Father, to help me when I was in need. That is something so special that he could do for me.

Fathers are special, they are very important to family life and family structure. I love my dad so much, he is one of my best friends. I hope that there are more dads out there like mine.

We All Have Communication Issues

“When it comes to marriage, we have to communicate so clearly not only that we can be understood but that you cannot be misunderstood.” -Gordon B. Hinkley

What do you think is the most common problem therapists hear is the reason couples come in? COMMUNICATION! Did you know that? Well, did you know that communication is not really the problem in most cases? Most issues lead to communication issues which then leads to visible issues between the couple and that is why the come in looking for help because they feel like they can’t communicate with their spouse or loved one. When I get annoyed with my husband, which totally happens sometimes, I don’t want to talk to him! No way! I start getting defensive, irritated, I walk away because I can’t express myself.. but then I end up just stonewalling him. That is super not healthy for a relationship, I am working on it for sure. However, that is what I want to do every time. He also gets really defensive, emotional, upset and stonewalls me so that I pity him and cave to be the first one to say sorry, we know we both do it. It is again, something we are working on. So lets work on it together shall we!?

There are 5 secrets to communication, well they aren’t super secret, but people are so surprised that putting these together work and literally work every time that they are called the 5 secrets. This is taken from a book call, “Feeling Good Together” by Burns.

SECRET 1: Disarming Technique

This technique is supposed to help the listener not get defensive. How can we influence someone else choosing to become defensive? When we are defensive, we look offensive and this can push someone to automatically become defensive for sure. What you need to do instead of being defensive is to look for the kernel of truth in what they are really saying and focus on that. Then you pop that kernel into popcorn and talk about it.

SECRET 2: Express Empathy

You can show empathy through thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we have empathy for someone but we don’t show it, especially when they need to hear it.

SECRET 3: Inquiry

This is to show that you want to understand them. You say something like “I would like to hear more about this… or, Is that right?” This is really important because it gives them an opportunity to feel heard and like their opinion matters or has value.

SECRET 4: “I Feel” Statements

This sentence is supposed to replace blame sentences when we say, “You never do this/you always do that!” There is a good template for the “I Feel” statements.. it goes like this- “When …. (situation/event)…. I feel… (emotion)…. because… (thoughts)…. I would like… (hope/desire).” It is a really good way to share what you are feeling and thinking without getting your significant other extremely agitated, angry or upset. It may feel robotic at first too, but the more you use it, the more natural it sounds and you still get across everything you want without damaging the other person in the process.

SECRET 5: Expressions

When I say expressions, I don’t mean facial cues, although body language is huge to communication. I mean expressing appreciation or genuine admiration for them. When was the last time someone did that to you? How did it make you feel? When someone really lets me know their appreciation for me, I put down walls and we want them to keep their walls down so it is easier to communicate. That is why this is one of the 5 secrets.

The Acronym for the 5 Secrets is EAR, the first three secrets are all about empathy skills, then you use an assertive skill with #4, and #5 is a respect skill. We definetely need to use our ears when we communicate as well, listening as huge. This will help to improve a rough relationship. There are only three things you can do in a relationship, improve, keep it the same, or distance yourself and there are people I never want to distance myself from, especially my husband. I also don’t want to just stay where we are at, because I look forward to growing our relationship in lots of ways over the years. Since there is only one option, I hope that we use these 5 SECRETS of communication to better love each other and I hope you use them too!

Family Stress and Coping

When something crazy happens in your life, how do you deal with it? Some people go running, some eat crazy amounts of food, some people sleep and others lose sleep. There are a lot of ways people deal with stress, do you think about how that stress is going to effect your whole family?

There are a lot of big stressor things that can happen, there are also lots of small things and if we don’t deal with it we can drive a wedge between us and our families. There are two different forms of stress though, we have eustress and distress, so positive and negative stress. Positive stress is something that provides stress to motivate more than to tear down and overwhelm. Things like hw deadlines provide me some stress so I actually do assignments, getting good grades can motivate me to do my hw, otherwise I would probably not do them because I never had to turn it in. This can turn into distress though if I do procrastinate everything and I have lots going on in life as well as a lot of hw, something I am experiencing now. Distress can cause you to lose weight, gain weight, lose hair, over eat, skip meals, lose sleep or over sleep, it can also cause you to be so overwhelmed that you just break down and get really frustrated.

I am going to be real with you guys right now, I am stressed right now! I said yes to a cleaning job a couple months back and didn’t start it for a while, so I got another job last month that literally worked me over 80hrs the first 2weeks, then I started the cleaning job which isn’t often but its like taking up the small amount of time I have for HW and I am taking 14 credits right now. I also want to go to grad school so grades are real important! ALSO, to add to my mayhem, Dylan and I are moving right now and we need to get to our new place ASAP but who has time to pack right?! NOT THIS GIRL! Our place started getting messy cause we were never home, and we don’t cook meals often because we work all afternoon and evening after classes all morning. THEN, just to add to it… I have two classes that are calling for outside work, 28hrs of lab work for one and 30hrs of lab work for the other! I also have ongoing projects I have to keep up with the 200pages of reading I have to do for hw every week. WHAT AM I DOING!?! I am sure there are others who are taking on more than they can and have it so crazy. I don’t mean to complain but I am just trying to be real that its getting crazy over here! Life is so fun! (We are super excited for our new place though, we are going to have so much more storage and space we can breathe a little more through our stressful semester, the place we are at now we call the hallway because its so small).

Stress can turn into anxiety. Anxiety is a natural, normal, healthy response to percieved danger, when we perceive that we can’t escape the danger our body starts to shut down and that turns into depression. Depression is pretty stinky, a lot of people are depressed in today’s world and also the world has become more stressful. There is definetely a correlation there, maybe not causation fully, but definetely correlated. Most people I know who have depression also have anxiety.

I will say though, there are healthy ways to look at stress or deal with it. Sometimes the greatest stressors can be the greatest opportunities to grow together as families and as an individual. If you think of the metaphor for coal turning into a diamond because of the fire and intense pressure, we can become our own diamonds. I know that I have learned from lots of stressful situations and I am grateful for that! The way we cope can be a protection or a boundary for us to hold on to when its hard.

Equality in Marriage

When we talk about equality, what immediately comes to mind? Do you think about tally marking what you and your spouse do? Do you think about power struggles in choices you guys make? Or do you think about compromise? Love? Your personal well-being and health? Do you think about respect or superiority/inferiority? What does equality mean to you?

This is a hot topic with lots of varying views. I want to express my thoughts and please know that I respect other peoples opinions. To me, equality means that we are respecting each other in the roles we create for ourselves as well as both spouses putting in 100% of their efforts, even if that means we give more when the other can’t and vice versa. It also means that we appreciate and recognize those efforts. There will be times when you feel like you are doing more in the relationship and there will be times where your spouse feels the same way. We can’t just give 50% of our best efforts and think it will all work out, because life happens and we may not be able to divide a line in the responsibilities and say I do this and you do that when your spouse is sick or away on a business trip, or injured. Life throws some curve balls in case you didn’t already know, get ready to give your all and expect nothing back. When you have that mentality your marriage can thrive as you both are thinking of the other person and looking to serve each other. That is what I think equality looks like and means in marriage. But wait, there is more!

Marriage is divine and can be the most sacred relationship you have here on earth. If you treat each other with respect and love, then your relationship will become equal naturally. I asked some people on my Instagram questions about equality and what it means, the most common words or phrases that were associated with equality in the responses were respect, and acknowledging or recognizing others value, ability, and contributions. I agree whole heartedly with this! In a household someone needs to do the dishes, someone needs to make money, someone needs to do the laundry (or it will sit for days like it does here sometimes), someone needs to be nurturing, someone needs to say sorry, someone needs to clean out the car(s). Does it have to be one person to do each specific thing? No. If I do the dishes now, do I always do them? No. If I have a baby and need to stay home because the baby can’t really survive on its own, am I less than my husband? NO! Both people in the relationship will work on it all together, but is it easier for some to take care of certain tasks or jobs and vice versa? Yes.

Did you know that women are created physically to be more nurturing? When you have a baby, who is created to naturally be the one that feeds the baby? The woman! Who has softer skin and a cushion for the baby to be more comfy naturally? The woman! Who is NATURALLY more nurturing? The woman. That does not mean that men cannot be nurturing and that all women have the most nurturing of personalities, some don’t. What I am saying is that we were created to be more nurturing and some women pretend that they don’t see that and they fight it, which makes me so sad. Just because we were built that way, and we may have to stay home so our baby can eat, and sleep and take baths and survive, it does not make us less than the men. I see it as being pretty dang cool to be honest.

Getting Married!!

Are your eyes wide open, or are they half closed? When you are dating someone and getting to know them PLEASE date with your eyes WIDE open. What does that mean? Well, usually when you start dating someone you get the butterflies, and everything is SO great. You don’t see anything wrong, no flaws, and life is perfect! When you add a new step like holding hands or kissing to the equation all the butterflies come flying in and you are just on cloud NINE! Well, THAT my friends, is called infatuation and that is why new relationships are so good. It is also why some people end up dating jerks or people who are SO not right for them, because they are totally blind to it. That is where the phrase, love is blind, comes from. There is a book by John Van Epp called, How to Avoid Falling In love with a Jerk, that speaks so plainly about all of this. He says that based research it takes at LEAST 3 months for infatuation to start dying down and to where you can start really getting to know someone. So, what about when you are married to someone, do you want to continue noticing every flaw? Hopefully at this point you know all the big stuff and have determined that you love them so much, you are willing to live with some of the flaws. But I heard a phrase this week that just made me laugh. “Date with your eyes wide open and marry with your eyes half closed.” That doesn’t mean get married to someone with your eyes half closed, just do it and you don’t really need to know the person. What they are saying is what you do after you get married.

When you are married you are with your spouse 24/7 now. This is when you start to see things and unveil things maybe you didn’t know about the person before. We shouldn’t turn a blind eye to things that could be harmful or dangerous, but if he lets it all out in the bathroom with the door open or lets his flatulence fill up the room, you could have a conversation and compromise, but also remember to forgive and forget. There are lots of small things that will come up, if we let every little thing get under our skin then we are never going to make it work with anyone. This is where the, “marry with your eyes half closed” part comes in. We should not be pointing out every small thing they do wrong, but look for all the good things they do and point those out. Marriage is about lifting each other up and helping each other to be the best version of themselves they can be.

I wanted to change topic a little bit now, as the transition from dating or engagement to getting married can be pretty difficult. All the sudden, you traditionally have a big party to plan. There are lots of thing that will be important to the bride traditionally and there are going to be some things that are important to the groom as well. This is a great time to really work together and plan big decisions together. It also is a great time to be budgeting and get creative with your wedding to save money but still have a lovely time. Some of the more expensive weddings I have been to, I felt out of place and I didn’t really know what to do. I have also been to some less expensive weddings that are uncomfortable but usually those are so much more fun. To plan a wedding where you have yard games and involve family to bring food because they like to cook, or just to have people help out is so much more fun. When I got married I was really caught up in having a big fancy reception and top notch photographers, but we had two receptions and we made the second one less fancy, more of an open house. That was so much more fun as people helped out and felt a part of it. Everyone had a great time and it was probably my favorite out of the two to be at myself, besides not having much family near for it. Your wedding does not need to be expensive, but it can be fun, enjoyable and comfortable. In the world right now, weddings traditionally are costing around $27,000-$38,000. WHO has that money to throw away on one night, one that means a lot but you will hardly remember because you were talking to hundreds of people in 45minutes, having a small bit of cake and then dancing and leaving. Find a way to cut back on those expenses, save for your life together after the wedding!

During your engagement you are not just needing to create the wedding day, but the marriage that will last for an eternity. Patterns you develop in your dating and engagement phases will become the patterns in your marriage. SO invest time in your future rather than wasting money on gold napkins for a party you are throwing for others. I promise, it will be so much more beneficial.

That is all I have for the week!! Until next time!

Let’s bring back dating!

Have you heard of the three p’s to dating? A date should be planned, paid for, and paired off. Sadly, most of the college kids that are dating now are using the two h’s, hanging out, or hooking up. I was dating not that long ago, and this style of “dating” or meeting someone has been around for a few years. It slowly gets worse overtime and the traditional idea of dating has gone out the window. It is sad, I prefer the traditional way to date and I don’t want my future kids to never get that experience. It is so much better to get to know someone, and find out what you want in your future spouse if you go on dates that utilize the three p’s.

Girls, when a guys asks you out and then says, “So what do you want to do?”, it’s a bit frustrating and a total let down. If a guy asks you out and has a plan, and tells you how to dress for it, or prepare for it, then the date is already more thoughtful. This is a guy that you can tell put time into it and is trying to win you over. He may have even planned something he knows you like because he listens. I had a guy ask me out once, where he reserved the dance room and wanted me to teach him to dance because he knows how much I love it. It was so thoughtful, creative and I had the best time! He is not my husband because there were different things that didn’t work with us, that I slowly got to realize as we went on dates. We didn’t just hook up though, or I wouldn’t have found out what worked and what didn’t there. I have learned from each guy I have dated, qualities that I needed in a guy versus wanted and what I couldn’t stand.

This helped a lot when it came to choose who I was going to marry. I had gone on dates with someone that saw a future between us long term and I was getting to know someone I met years previous. The funny thing was, the guy I had gone on dates with already wasn’t what I was looking for, I didn’t want to be rash but I couldn’t see it long term as much as I tried. I knew there were some things I needed in the relationship that he couldn’t give me based on previous dating experiences. I already was seeing a lot of the qualities I was looking for in someone else that I hadn’t even gone out with but was talking to. When he and I eventually started to date, he continued to show qualities I needed in a relationship to make it work. I crushed pretty hard on him pretty quick, but I knew that I needed to date him long enough to really know if we worked and could work long term. Dating is not just for fun, it should be fun for you, but it is really about learning what works and learning about other people to find out what you can deal with and what you can’t.

Finding guys to go on dates with doesn’t have to be hard either. Usually guys are talented at something or they have an interest in something. If you ask them about it or maybe ask them to teach you how to do it, that will usually end up in a date. It may even be about having something in common and talking to the other person about that. Once you have talked to each other, its easier to ask the other person out because they have already showed that they are approachable. Going on a date with someone doesn’t have to be a huge deal either. While having a date that is planned out is nice, some casual dates really help to get things going. When someone asks what you are up to, don’t give them a list, tell them when you’re free to spend time with them. Invite someone to go hiking because you want some fresh air. Dates can be casual and that can be a good thing as you’re just dating around. When you start to date someone that is when you want the three p’s to be there, to show the interest and care each other is putting into the relationship. Dating does not have to be scary, just get talking to people and don’t put pressure on them that a date means marriage, I have had that experience and it 100% backfired for them. I felt pinned down and really uncomfortable. Casual dating will lead to finding someone you want to date with the three p’s. Hanging out and hooking up never worked for me or anyone I know, neither has putting the pressure on the first date to find out it you’re getting married to them. Take your time, learn about each other and date the right way. Let’s bring back traditional dating people!!

Thoughts on the Differences Between Males and Females

Have you ever wondered why boys and girls are different? Boys think snake hunting is fun and girls would rather play with poly pockets. Not in all cases, I have definetely been snake hunting, and my little brother played poly pockets with me. Now I sometimes wonder my sanity when I was younger and would never go snake hunting again! I grew up with three brothers and they all were different from me in that, they had a natural strength that I didn’t, they liked video games and I got headaches after 20minutes of watching them play, my mom cooked dinner and my dad was usually at work. There are lots of things that can separate a male from a female, in the world today people see that as unequal or unfair, I see it as divine nature and how we were made.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe in a lot of things, but in relation to this topic I know that families are eternal, and we get to live with them forever. I also know that males and females are meant to compliment one another and work together on our differences to bring the best outcomes.

Right now, I wanted to share about the difference between men and women, in order to do that, I will introduce a document called The Family, A Proclamation to the World. This teaches about beliefs I have and the members of The Church of Jesus Christ have. It is written that women are meant to be nurturers and men are to provide, preside, and protect. I believe this is how we are meant to be in this life, not all females are drawn to being nurturing which is totally fine! But I do know that we are born with certain features to be more nurturing. We are given the milk to feed babies, we are built softer to be seen as comforting. Men are given a natural strength, they are built to be stronger, they also usually are seen as the ones who provide with being the main money maker in the family. Again, this is not how every family works, and that is okay! I do believe that we were made to fulfill those roles more so than anything else.

I know that this plays into marriage, and I only want to touch on the topic as it is highly controversial. Yet, it is something I believe in. Men and Women are built to marry and have children together. It is my firm belief that that is what is right. There are people with same sex attraction and I get that, there are some great articles by Dr. Daryl Bem that you can look up with great research on it. I don’t know everything, but I do know that, my husband is there for me in ways that my girlfriends can’t be. He makes me feel safe, he is more logically minded while I think about everything at once. When I hang with the girls, I find that I am not getting needs met conversation wise, and they may understand what I am going through better in certain situations, but I my husband is the one who naturally presides in the home. He is better at directions as males minds tend to be better at, they also tend to have less communication skills but that helps him to listen when I need him to.

I know that I am not a prolific blog writer, or great at sharing my opinions or ideas, but I do know what I believe in. If anyone has questions on my beliefs, or the Proclamation I linked or Dr. Bem’s research, feel free to ask. I believe in eternity, and that we will see loved ones again after they pass away. I believe that we will be with our families again and get to be with them forever. I believe that gender is one of the more fundamental parts of marriage and marrying someone of the opposite sex is what is right. I also believe that as we are all different, a male parent and a female parent in the home will greatly benefit the raising of kids. Thanks for reading this weeks post!

Immigration

I was born in Utah and I have lived in America my whole life. I have been to Canada a couples times, served a mission for my church in Scotland and Ireland for a year and a half, and I went to Mexico for a couple days on my honeymoon. That is the only experience I have had with living outside the US or being outside my home country. I know that the United States has a lot of opportunities that other countries may not have. There are lots of people who sacrifice everything to come here, in dangerous ways, risking their lives and giving up everything just for their future generations to have opportunities they didn’t. I don’t want to write this blog post saying that I am an expert in immigration, because I am most definetely not, but I learned a lot from my discussions about it that I wanted to share with my readers.

Do you know about issues in Mexico? Are you aware of why people want to leave for a better life? Did you know that Mexico was voted among the top 2 most corrupt Latin American Countries? I have heard stories of paying off cops when you get pulled over or else you get arrested, politicians have drug cartels paying their way to the top, etc. I have heard that it is expensive to live there yet, they get paid so little, from a friend who visits family there often. It seems to messed up to demand more for living expenses when the people are not being paid enough. There are lots and lots of ways that Mexico is corrupt, or so I have heard and researched. I do know however, from my research, that Mexico has strong cultural family bonds. The culture in Mexico is all surrounding the family and they rely on each other, extended families as well. They all live close and mostly are close. What does that have to do with immigration or corruption? As Mexico becomes unsafe and families turn to the US for opportunity, there are lots of costs to get here. For a family that is immigrating illegally, they have to pay the Coyote, and that costs more than they have usually, so they save for a while, and sell most of their belongings. It is dangerous for the whole family to travel at once, so the father usually travels first to find a job and put down roots somewhere in preparation for his family eventually joining.

It takes on average about 4-6years for the rest of the family to join the father, sometimes that trip is split as well, more of the family travels and then the rest. There are lots of risks in the travel alone. First, it is illegal and the Coyotes usually take advantage of their position by making them carry drugs across, asking for more money, threatening lives and 1 out of 3 women are raped that cross the border, that is not exclusive to adult women. They are travelling across desert mostly, by foot and the number one cause of death is dehydration. So, assuming the families all make it, and they don’t lose a loved one on the way, now they have challenges when they arrive.

When the father crossed the borders illegally, he could not walk into a nice office and apply for a high paying job. They run back ground checks and he is now an illegal. He must take whatever job he can find, for someone that is most likely not a trustworthy boss, if the boss is willing to work with fugitives and break laws. Whatever job you can get, doesn’t get you a great living, when is family gets there, they are going to have to live wherever they can afford, not in suburbia with nice homes and around nice neighborhoods. You catch my drift? The families end up in rough areas and in poor school systems. The kids are more than likely to fall in with a rough crowd.

Not only are there problems with money and living situations, but the family dynamic will have changed a lot. When the family is together in Mexico they are all close and rely on dad mostly for finances, being the protector etc. But when he leaves, mom now has two roles in the home to raise the kids, she is mom and dad. Sometimes a son, may step up and quit school to help out with a job himself. But when years pass, with dad gone, the kids have a distant relationship with him now and the mother has become the head of house. When they get to America, kids can feel betrayed as their dad all the sudden tries to take over his previous roles. This is all hypothetical but there is research to back that this happens. Some people in my discussions have experienced these situations and they talked about how they resented their dad for a long time that he was gone and all the sudden he wanted to be the head of house again. When people are talking about immigration, usually they talk about the pro’s for a better life and better opportunities for their kids and grandkids, but if we raise awareness for the cons, and show how bad it is in Mexico, how heartbreaking it can be to immigrate and the cons of coming to America, maybe we can start to find solutions on how to help rather than barricade people out and leave them defenseless in their own country. Maybe we can provide a better system for becoming a citizen and receiving real opportunities now, rather than risking everything for a maybe opportunity for your kids. Maybe we can find a way to help, but there are lots of reasons to why becoming a citizen is hard and there are lots of issues with immigration that I haven’t mentioned and lots of cons to overpopulation here. I don’t have any of the answers, I just wish there was something more we could do for those who risk everything for a small chance of hope, whether it be helping them here or in Mexico. What do you think?