We All Have Communication Issues

“When it comes to marriage, we have to communicate so clearly not only that we can be understood but that you cannot be misunderstood.” -Gordon B. Hinkley

What do you think is the most common problem therapists hear is the reason couples come in? COMMUNICATION! Did you know that? Well, did you know that communication is not really the problem in most cases? Most issues lead to communication issues which then leads to visible issues between the couple and that is why the come in looking for help because they feel like they can’t communicate with their spouse or loved one. When I get annoyed with my husband, which totally happens sometimes, I don’t want to talk to him! No way! I start getting defensive, irritated, I walk away because I can’t express myself.. but then I end up just stonewalling him. That is super not healthy for a relationship, I am working on it for sure. However, that is what I want to do every time. He also gets really defensive, emotional, upset and stonewalls me so that I pity him and cave to be the first one to say sorry, we know we both do it. It is again, something we are working on. So lets work on it together shall we!?

There are 5 secrets to communication, well they aren’t super secret, but people are so surprised that putting these together work and literally work every time that they are called the 5 secrets. This is taken from a book call, “Feeling Good Together” by Burns.

SECRET 1: Disarming Technique

This technique is supposed to help the listener not get defensive. How can we influence someone else choosing to become defensive? When we are defensive, we look offensive and this can push someone to automatically become defensive for sure. What you need to do instead of being defensive is to look for the kernel of truth in what they are really saying and focus on that. Then you pop that kernel into popcorn and talk about it.

SECRET 2: Express Empathy

You can show empathy through thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we have empathy for someone but we don’t show it, especially when they need to hear it.

SECRET 3: Inquiry

This is to show that you want to understand them. You say something like “I would like to hear more about this… or, Is that right?” This is really important because it gives them an opportunity to feel heard and like their opinion matters or has value.

SECRET 4: “I Feel” Statements

This sentence is supposed to replace blame sentences when we say, “You never do this/you always do that!” There is a good template for the “I Feel” statements.. it goes like this- “When …. (situation/event)…. I feel… (emotion)…. because… (thoughts)…. I would like… (hope/desire).” It is a really good way to share what you are feeling and thinking without getting your significant other extremely agitated, angry or upset. It may feel robotic at first too, but the more you use it, the more natural it sounds and you still get across everything you want without damaging the other person in the process.

SECRET 5: Expressions

When I say expressions, I don’t mean facial cues, although body language is huge to communication. I mean expressing appreciation or genuine admiration for them. When was the last time someone did that to you? How did it make you feel? When someone really lets me know their appreciation for me, I put down walls and we want them to keep their walls down so it is easier to communicate. That is why this is one of the 5 secrets.

The Acronym for the 5 Secrets is EAR, the first three secrets are all about empathy skills, then you use an assertive skill with #4, and #5 is a respect skill. We definetely need to use our ears when we communicate as well, listening as huge. This will help to improve a rough relationship. There are only three things you can do in a relationship, improve, keep it the same, or distance yourself and there are people I never want to distance myself from, especially my husband. I also don’t want to just stay where we are at, because I look forward to growing our relationship in lots of ways over the years. Since there is only one option, I hope that we use these 5 SECRETS of communication to better love each other and I hope you use them too!